T-Mobile just announced something that’ll turn you into a fitness tracking human Wi-Fi hotspot called the T-Mobile ONEsie. It’s obviously a play on the carrier’s One plan and is a spoof to celebrate April Fools’ Day, but the funny part isn’t the fact that it’s plain hilarious: it’s the fact that you can actually buy one.
First off, the ONEsie features “revolutionary new 4G LTE nano-fiber technology” that’s woven into its fibers. This allows for you to become a walking Wi-Fi and cellular hotspot. Imagine if everyone wore one of these things?
To use the ONEsie, you dock your T-Mobile phone into its side pocket. After you hear the T-Mobile ringtone, you’ll be good to go. This will activate the ONEsie so you can start projecting internet connectivity everywhere.
To charge, the ONEsie uses “a breakthrough new “Thermanetic’ charging system, which harnesses energy generated by both your body heat and your movement to keep your smartphone and T-Mobile ONEsie continuously charged.” I swear, if this thing gets even cooler…
…Oh wait. It does.
The ONEsie is also a giant fitness tracker. T-Mobile says:
Wrapping every inch of your body in cutting-edge connectivity and comfort, T-Mobile ONEsie stands in stark contrast to a sea of conventional wearables that wrap only your wrist, offering ridiculously limited skin contact. And yet those wearables claim to accurately monitor your body’s complex and varied activities and biometrics. How is that even possible? The T-Mobile ONEsie eliminates those old limits through constant contact with—and micro-monitoring of—your body’s every feature and function … head to toe.
T-Mobile ONEsie’s full-body coverage gives you the most comprehensive and in-depth real-time health data and monitoring available anywhere. Detailed readouts provide real-time details of everything from your systolic and diastolic blood pressure, to lung efficiency and oxygen flow, to bladder level – and so much more. Of course, T-Mobile ONEsie is fully Bluetooth-enabled and GPS-equipped for full geo-location services and tracking of even your smallest movements.
There’s even headphones built into the hood of the ONEsie so you can listen to your jams. You know, because you need them.
But wait, there’s more! There’s four different styles to choose from to fit your lifestyle. Here’s a rundown.
T-Mobile ONEsie —great for everyday wear, going casual at the office, or for a weekend outing
ONEsie Sport—for serious athletes and weekend warriors, features wicking fabric and advanced bio-feedback
ONEsie Comfort—just right for night wear or those laid back evenings in
ONEsie @Work—features wool-blend, wrinkle-resistant fabric that effortlessly transitions from office to evening out
According to T-Mobile, CEO John Legere, head fashion designer, led the ONEsie project and designed it himself. Edna Mobile, Fashion-Forward Designer, said this.
“What excites me most is the sheer disruptive nature of John’s VISION for future fashion,” said Edna Mobile, Fashion-Forward Designer. “It’s gigabyte meets Gucci. It’s virtual meets Versace. I haven’t been this excited about a collection since Tom Ford 2001. It’s just so darned daring … it fogs my glasses!”
While Legere also released a statement.
“T-Mobile ONEsie is a quantum leap forward for wearables, for wireless networks and for fashion,” said John Legere, president, CEO and lead fashion designer at T-Mobile. “What I’m most excited about is combining my drive to disrupt the wireless industry AND my passion for magenta fashion. The result is easily the most innovative—and certainly the most comfortable—product in wearable technology today. Now anyone can slip into a T-Mobile ONEsie and go “all in” with truly unlimited coverage!”
Yes, you’re not mistaken, I said earlier that you could buy this thing. The only problem is it doesn’t come with basically anything listed here. It’s just a giant onesie painted magenta. You know, like all of T-Mobile’s stuff. It’s still fun to talk about it, though, as if it were a real product.
For those interested, a less-cool ONEsie is available to order in one size and in one style for $40. Yours will ship April 7th if you order in time. You’ll also need to see this guide. Happy April Fools’ Day.